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Chess
4 Life!
By Candidate
Master Collin Madhavan
Read
all about it - The Metro Evening Herald
It's always nice when Chess makes the news. For the
average chess player, it's a real thrill for him or her to see a chess article
appearing in the newspapers, be it, a report on a chess event, or some photos of
chess pieces, or just people playing Chess!
Press coverage on Chess has steadily gone up ever since
the famous Fischer - Spassky match in 1972. Unfortunately, sometimes we get bad
press. For example, recently we had the The Chess Board Killer, where the killer
committed gruesome murders and tried to connect it back to the 64 squares of the
chess board - one square for each murder. I was affected by what I read as it
seemed wrong that such a beautiful game should be connected with such
horror.
So what I did was to come with a list of chess news (all
fictitious), that seem good (silly) enough to appear in the press. Here
are some snippets from the non-existent The Metro Evening Herald. `
* Lee becomes GM.
* According to the latest economic report, the
purchase of chess sets would
increase exponentially over the next five years.
* Grandmother of five, beats up International Master,
Fake Jake! Apparently, Jake had
beaten the lady's grand-daughter in a recent simul
match.
* Man loses his glass chess set during a freak accident
involving his bicycle and a parked car.
* To help ease the traffic congestion during the festive
seasons, the government of
Xandaduyu has decided to increase the number of 'files'
along on all main roads.
* An overloaded truck spilt its
contents onto the centre of the road causing a
massive jam that lasted for hours.
* A group of Chess Masters were seen protesting the use
of 'G8' at the G8 Summit!
* Talks between Crushssia and Hamedika have
reached a stalemate!
* The room-Mate of a prominent Japanese Scholar
has been awarded with this
year's Nobel Peace Prize for Speed(?) .
* Times Square - The 65th Square
* Latest on cutlery - The Fork is stronger than the
Spoon!
* Aging film star, Jim G, has undergone a successful
heart 'en passant' operation.
* A recent study showed that stammering among chess
players can be cured if
the patient refrains from repetition of position!
* Make your move
* It's your turn
* J'adoube
* Raiders of the Last Gambit!
* The Colonel Ian's Triangulation Method has been used
successfully by the army
to fight terrorism in South Numnumbialaka.
* Chess players have been seen getting off on the 7th
and 8th floors of buildings,
and only then, proceeding via the staircase, to their designated
floors!
* Three to face the appeals committee over allegations
of taking poisoned pawns!
* Ramli robbed of victory in round five.
* 16 found guilty of not castling early.
* Chess enthusiast, Mike will be charged for
exposing his King to his opponent's pieces.
* The new president of the World Chess body, Ms Eleanak
Ruffsky, said in a statement
late yesterday evening, that all international tournaments will now
need to have
ready, chess boards in 5 different colours. She said that this is
to avoid any
embarrassment if the dresses of female arbiters should clash with
the colour of
the chess boards!
* In another press release later the same
night (!), Ms Ruffsky issued a new directive
that all nail polish used by female players be
standardised to pink colour. This is
to avoid distracting the opponents when making their
moves.
* Low-rise pants have been banned in chess
halls, especially among the male players!!
* A local team captain has advised his
team-mates to wear G-strings if they need to
fianchetto their Bishops either on g2 or g7!
* The current Mr. Universe has signed up for
chess lessons at a local chess academy
in a bid to beef up his brains!
* A Sicilian swimmer has crossed the English
Channel in a new world record time.
* Wanted - Retired Wrestlers to assist
Arbiters during junior tournaments!
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